How do i know who to put down as a provider when i paid friends or family to watch my kids

To claim the credit for child and dependent care expenses, you must list the name, address and tax number (social security number) of each provider.  The IRS will then check their tax returns for matching income.  If your providers want to work "under the table" and not pay tax on the income, then you can't claim the credit.  This is something you should work out in advance with your providers.

(By the way, if they worked in your home, they are probably your household employees, and you are responsible for issuing them a W-2 and paying household employees tax.  If they worked in their own homes, they are self-employed.)

To claim the credit without a SSN, you can leave the space blank.  You can't e-file.  Print your return and write "refused" in the space for the SSN.  Prepare a written statement that gives the provider's name, address, phone number, and explain that they refused to give their SSN after you made repeated and diligent efforts to ask for it.  File your tax return by mail, attaching the statement.  Expect that if they don't declare matching income, the IRS will contact them for a review.